How does the time always go by so slow when we wait for Eurovision week, and then so fast that we blink and suddenly it’s time for the final? It will forever be one of life’s mysteries, much like the point of this year’s Swiss staging.

Every way that I can, I’ll try to make you love me again
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

Speaking of that staging, in which I don’t know who was more uncomfortable – me, watching one of my favorite songs non-qualifying while it was still being performed, or Veronica Fusaro performing it – let’s give a thought to the rest of this year’s non-qualifiers:

Georgia, who staged their song like it was still JESC with a song that was somehow worse than their JESC winner.

Portugal, who provided a lovely soundtrack for my kitchen break.

Montenegro, who took a song they absolutely could have qualified with and decided the best way to present their song was a coven of witches casting a circle and performing the “prayer for qualification” ritual.

Estonia, who never read a dictionary. I don’t think the word “epic” means what you think it means.

San Marino, who actually came across quite decently and therefore weren’t even interesting enough for televoters.

Azerbaijan, who should know better than to sing about self-fulfilling prophecies.

Luxembourg, who supplied Mother Nature with a very messy kitchen sink.

Armenia, whose Rosa Linn-inspired costume backfired and snapped their qualification streak.

And last – quite possibly in the semi too – but not least, Latvia, which was entirely competent in every way and had no chance whatsoever to be remembered by anyone as soon as the performance was over.

With that out of the way, it’s time to preview the final!

The bad news: The hosts are still going to be there.
The good news: the stage is awesome and most delegations have done awesome things with it.

I was curious to see how Før vi går hjem will work away from the Danish final, which isn’t conceptually hard to stand out in, but apparently a well-thought and well-executed staging that makes a song more than it is can work well in any context. Paired with Søren’s confident performance, it is a great way to open this final.

Song #1
(EBU / Corinne Cumming)

Next up, Germany brings absolutely nothing new to the competition. Right down to the song’s title, Fire, quite possibly the most overused word in Eurovision lyrics history. In Germany’s case, admittedly, it’s actually a (backhanded) compliment. By having a very typical Eurovision song and staging in Vienna, Germany finally realized that they need to send something that isn’t just a radio-friendly track and also actually stage it for television viewing, and Sarah does everything in her power to give us a very enjoyable three minutes. Congratulations, Germany, you have arrived!

Liar, liar, liar, yeah, yeah, yeah, put out the fire, ah, yeah, ah, yeah ah, yeah, fuego
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

The Israeli delegation decided to take on the difficult task of translating the videoclip concept of Michelle into a staging. Surprisingly, it actually works, even if you never watched the video and have no point of reference to it. The choreography is clever, as it’s never too much but it also plays an important role in creating a dynamic staging that develops steadily throughout and compliments Noam’s vocal performance and the song. Was that prop really needed? Probably not, but at least it does make the stage look less empty than it could have been, and they managed to avoid the trap of overusing a prop just because it’s there.

Diamond of night, burning so bright
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

I admit I was slightly surprised when Belgium qualified, but watching it back, I really shouldn’t have been. Essyla’s voice color and the cohesive visual concept give Dancing on the Ice a strong sense of identity. I don’t think it will be enough to stand out in the final line-up, but as I’m not even sure they expected to be there tonight, they’ll probably take that.

One of my biggest pet peeves in Eurovision is subtitling an entire song, as I believe that part of the challenge of performance and staging is finding ways to bring across a song’s meaning even without – literally – spelling it out. Not least since Albania’s staging of Nân actually does that even without the subtitles. However, I can appreciate that it can be a device to achieve other means. What do you do when you have a performer like Alis, who is a very strong singer but can’t quite own the stage (and screen) for three minutes? You put the subtitles on, and trust the drama of the song to keep the viewers’ attention beyond that.

Greece’s staging brief for Ferto has clearly been “start as over the top as possible, and then continue going even more over the top”. This is, of course, exactly what the staging for this entry needs to be, and Akylas has so much personality and multitasking abilities that he’s able to not get lost in what is a ridiculously entertaining but also overwhelmingly busy staging.

So tonight I’m making friends with all the creatures that are hiding there under my bed
(EBU / Corinne Cumming)

I will confess that I struggle with Ukraine this year for reasons that are more to do with me than the song – Leléka’s voice color just isn’t my thing, and she always sounds to me like she’s about to go offkey, although in reality she rarely does. That aside, in an un-Ukrainian fashion, the staging is fairly minimal and relies mostly on a strong selection of stage effects and camera angles. In many ways, Ridnym is an upgraded version of Latvia – competent in every way and not particularly interesting, but with a little more televote appeal.

For some mysterious reason known only to the Eurovision producers and much to the detriment of Ukraine, it is once again back-to-back with Australia, albeit in a reversed order. And once again, Ukraine is the loser of this particular duel. The entries share some visual similarities, from the opening shot of a stringed instrument to the styling of the singer. Musically, the songs are quite dissimilar despite the impressive vocal requirements of both, but the experience of watching them one after another is quite odd. As a song, Eclipse is somewhat contrived, but it has just the right structure to make the superstar that is Delta Goodrem shine throughout the entire performance.

There are some things that exist in their own Eurovision niche, and Serbia’s Kraj mene is one of these songs. It’s a musical genre that has its audience, and while I don’t think Lavina will appeal to anyone who usually doesn’t listen to that type of music, the song and performance are strong enough to appeal to viewers who do.

I owe Aidan an apology. It’s not that I don’t like him and his song. I do, and I liked his previous NF efforts as well. But it wasn’t until the semi-final performance that I realized how much I underrated his charisma and likability. On top of that, and his great vocal performance as well, Bella features what is probably the best staging Malta had in recent memory. They managed what they usually fail at – taking on a complicated staging but actually stopping at the right time and not going overboard. Miracles never cease.

It’s a miracle! I can see it now!
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

Full disclosure: Czechia is my favorite this year. I absolutely adore Crossroads and Daniel’s voice. I had no idea if he could carry it live and if the Czech, of all delegations, could actually stage such a difficult song. Spoiler alert: yes, to both questions. He delivers difficult vocals with such ease, it’s almost unfair, and the staging is intimate and allows him to connect with the audience. Does this have a wide audience appeal? Probably not. Do I care? Not really. I’m just glad it’s here.

If there was an award for getting 1000% out of a song, Bulgaria would have won it this year. As a song, Bangaranga is lightweight and fun, but not exactly the most unique thing to have ever been written. As a show? Hands down, one of the best this year and Bulgaria’s best staging ever. It captures the mood of the song so completely, it’s impossible to look away, and Dara’s facial expressions and body language are really the cherry on top of an already delicious cake.

Cool vibes, why don’t you kill me?
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

Croatia’s Andromeda marks the halfway point, and it’s also a good opportunity to note that there’s really nice variety in the final line-up, with almost every entry having a very strong identity of what it is. Lelek, in particular, have always known exactly what they want to do and the Vienna stage really allows them to display what they clearly already envisioned in their Dora performance.

My sister’s crown, don’t take it down
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

Oh, United Kingdom. What am I going to do with you? You’re confusing as hell. Is Eins, Zwei, Drei another addition to the long tradition of terrible entries and embarrassing stagings? Is it actually the most genius thing you’ve ever sent? I have no idea. I’m not sure I will have an idea even by the time Look Mum No Computer wraps up tonight’s performance, and I’ll probably still have no idea by the time points are awarded. The only thing I know is that no result for this will surprise me.

What the hell just happened?
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

Do you know what else I have no idea what to make of? France. Monroe is stunning, both vocally and in terms of charisma and stage presence. The song – Regarde ! – is not for everyone, and the presentation is so very French you might have cut it out of a French musical and pasted it into the stage in Vienna. Will it work? No idea, but if anyone can pull this blend of music and performance off, it is France.

Now, let’s all say a big Welcome to Moldova, the undisputed champions of producing extremely fun performances on zero budget. It’s a ridiculously catchy song that makes it impossible to forget what country it represents, and Satoshi and company are having the time of their lives on stage.

It’s a dance you’ve never seen from my country called Moldova
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

Finland’s Liekinheitin is a slightly upgraded version of what it was at UMK, because if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. Don’t even touch it, unless it’s just improving camera angles and adding even more pyro, because you can never go wrong with that. For me, the biggest revelation is that you can actually play instruments live at Eurovision, which I hope they actually do on the final as well, because having a violinist like Linda mime-play would be such a waste. Oh, and Pete is there too.

Poland’s Alicja is incredible vocalist, and I’m still sad she never got to compete with Empires back in 2020. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Pray is not much of a song, and even the world’s best staging (which this one is not) and some of the best vocals this year (which it has) can’t make this into three minutes I won’t want to demand back from the universe. Alicja, please come back with a better song next time, OK?

I hear them calling me, I hear them whispering
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

I have absolutely no idea what Lithuania is doing in the final after having – unfortunately for me – heard Lion Ceccah’s semi final performance of Sólo quiero más. Was the jury performance good? Was it also bad but the juries were drunk by this point? Did it get televotes solely because it was that bad? I have no answers, just a fear of a repeat performance of that tonight. The song itself is a mixture of some really nice parts, some parts I don’t really get, and a gorgeous backing track, so there’s that.

I usually complain about Sweden’s Eurovision strategy of ignoring the stage the host country worked so hard to create and bringing their own stage instead. Since their Eurovision strategy is also using the Melodifestivalen performance exactly as is, My System actually uses the Vienna stage to the fullest of its capabilities, and the only props in sight are the ones Felicia is wearing. My main letdown here was Felicia’s vocal performance, but I don’t know if it’s because MF drowns vocals to that point or because she’s just over-rehearsed her voice.

We rum-de-dum-dum-da, we will rave
(EBU / Corinne Cumming)

What would Eurovision be without a little bit of good ol’ ethnopop? A little more boring (but probably less complaints about bad singers). Cyprus’ Antigoni might not be the best singer this year, but she’s so very likable and her joy is infectious, as is Jalla.

I generally try to avoid the cliché of “if another country would have done exactly the same thing it would get a totally different result”, but sometimes there’s no choice. Can you imagine the UK sending someone like Sal Da Vinci with Per sempre sì (or an English equivalent)? Can you imagine what result the UK would get with that staging? Zero. I know it. You know it. Do you know how many points Italy will get? Definitely not zero. It’s far from being one of Italy’s best entries since its return, but Sal (dodgy vocals and all) is so earnest, it’s almost impossible not to smile at this kindly drunk uncle at this wedding.

Alcohol is free
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

Norway’s Ya Ya Ya is one of my guilty pleasures this year. It’s one of those songs I can’t help but tapping my foot to it (or dancing in the kitchen, as was the case for me during the semi). I’m not a fan of the 70s porn star styling, but to each their own. After being helped by being the second semi closing act, it probably won’t do much here in terms of result – sorry, Jonas – but its placement in this final stretch of songs is a smart way to keep the energy levels of the audience going after so many songs.

I don’t understand the complaints about Alexandra’s pronunciation. I understand the lyrics perfectly and I’ve been singing “I want you to chow me chow me chow me” around the house since Thursday! Well, inconsistent pronunciation of the letter K aside, Choke Me was always going to be difficult to stage, and it could have very easily been what Switzerland ended up being. Mercifully, Romania got it right – and much like Malta, managed to stay on the right side of too much. Alexandra does all the heavy lifting here, from vocal gymnastics to a very physically demanding performance, and her facial expressions and body language are a mood of their own.

This is the ghost of you haunting the ghost of me
(EBU / Sarah Louise Bennett)

And finally, Austria closing the show is perfect. Tanzschein will get everyone going even after 24 songs, Cosmó will continue to be adorable and will have a wonderful reception in the hall, and ORF can be free of worrying about hosting this thing again anytime soon. It’s a win-win for everyone.

Have a wonderful night, everyone, and happy 70th birthday, Eurovision. Here’s to 70 more!